In the murky depths of a forgotten valley where the trees leaned like gossiping crones, a shadow flickered between jagged stones and withered brush. This was the domain of Eldrin the Unyielding, a necromancer of no small ambition and even smaller social skills. His very name sent shivers down the spines of the curs and tramps who dared to linger near the edges of his newfound empire—an empire forged not from noble bloodlines or valiant victories, but from the corpses of the unfortunate souls who wandered too close to his crumbling abode.
You see, Eldrin, in all his gloriously maladroit splendor, had not quite mastered the art of necromancy. While others might summon legions of the dead with a flick of a wrist and an incantation that rolled smoothly off the tongue like butter on warm bread, Eldrin’s words emerged in fits and starts, like a drunken bard attempting to remember a particularly scandalous ballad. His spellwork often resulted in peculiar outcomes, such as reanimating a cow long after its time had come, leaving it to moo plaintively in the moonlight, completely oblivious to its own unfortunate condition. The locals nicknamed it “The Eternal Bovine,” a title that was equal parts mocking and awe-inspiring.
Oh, but Eldrin was not deterred by the jeers and laughter rising from the villages that dotted the valley’s rim. No, he reveled in the echoing insults, believing them to be mere signs that he was on the cusp of greatness. After all, what was greatness if not an audience, even if that audience consisted of snickering children throwing pebbles from a safe distance? Beneath his tattered robes, he harbored dreams of a grand army composed of terrifying creatures, each ready to do his bidding at a moment’s notice. Instead, he found himself surrounded by a mismatched collection of miseries.
His domain was filled with the remnants of his repeated attempts at necromantic glory. A half-pulled skeleton slumped against the walls, its femur having decided it wanted no part in this miserable farce, while a patchwork of zombies—each missing integral parts—shambled around in a perennially confused manner that implied they had likely been just as bewildered in life. Their faces, decomposed and sunken, did not harbor the terror he so desperately sought but bore only looks of profound disappointment, as if they had all collectively decided that being disinterred was a serious mistake.
One particularly cold evening, as a storm raged overhead like a drunken god throwing a tantrum, Eldrin sat hunched over his cauldron, contemplating his latest attempt at reanimation. The bubbling concoction emitted a rancid odor that could make a rat faint. “Tonight,” he proclaimed dramatically to no one in particular, “I shall raise the fiercest of warriors!” He punctuated this declaration with a flourish, accidentally knocking over a dusty tome that had seen better days in a distant library.
And so, he fished through his haphazard collection of bones, which he’d acquired through wholly legitimate means—grave robbing, or as he called it, “sourcing materials,”—and selected a particularly gnarly femur. This, he decided, would belong to a legendary warrior. But which one? His grasp of history was as tenuous as his grip on sanity, and so he opted for a name he remembered from a bard’s tale: Berongar the Bold. Eldrin spoke the name with a majestic flair, hoping that the mere invocation would lend his pathetic attempt some semblance of grandeur.
“Berongar the Bold!” he cried into the storm. “Come forth from your grave, you glorious bastion of might!” And with a dramatic gesture, he hurled the femur into the cauldron, which promptly exploded in a sickly green mist. Eldrin recoiled, spluttering and choking as the noxious vapor enveloped him.
When the smoke cleared, there stood not Berongar, but a half-eaten rat, its beady eyes gleaming with contempt. Eldrin blinked, horrified. “Oh, splendid. Truly splendid,” he retorted bitterly. “A rodent. Bravo, Eldrin, just what you need—an eternal companion to share your desolation.”
The rat sniffed the air, perhaps recognizing a kindred spirit in misery, and scuttled away into the recesses of the hovel. Eldrin threw his hands up in exasperation; clearly, the gods of necromancy had a twisted sense of humor. He flopped onto a pile of moldy pillows, contemplating his life choices. It was a dreary existence when you were outmatched not just by your peers but by rodents.
However, calamity was not done with Eldrin. As fate would have it, that very night, his mountain of failure became a beacon of malevolence—attracting the attention of the Specter of Calamity, a being whose very name elicited dread among the living and who was having a marvelous time creating chaos among the realms. The Specter drifted through the valley, glancing at Eldrin’s hovel and grimacing at the sheer patheticness radiating from it.
“Is this truly what they call a necromancer?” the Specter muttered to itself. It floated closer, intrigued. A rush of cold air swept through, snuffing out the miserable light of Eldrin’s only candle. Eldrin, startled and half-hidden beneath a blanket of despair, cursed loudly and mismatched his own curse with an entirely inappropriate prayer to the cosmic forces. “Oh, just come in and critique my life choices, why don’t you?”
To his shock, the Specter obliged, swirling into the room with an ominous rustle. “I’ve seen better establishments run by worms.” Its voice dripped with derision, a chill whisper that might have enchanted anyone with an ounce of ambition, but Eldrin merely stared in disbelief.
“I am Eldrin the Unyielding!” he declared, puffing out his chest like a pufferfish. “I aim to forge an army that will rend the very fabric of—”
“Of what? Your own incompetence?” the Specter interrupted, rolling its ethereal eyes. “You couldn’t raise a proper skeleton if it danced on your grave.”
This was a low blow, even for Eldrin, who had heard many a harsh word in his day. But spiraling into a pit of despair was not something he was ready to do just yet. “You know,” he said, forcing a grin that felt more like a grimace, “I could use a critique on my practices if you’re that keen. Maybe even a partnership! Think of the possibilities—”
“Partnership? With you?” The Specter cackled, a sound that resonated like shards of ice falling from a great height. “Trust me, you would be the haunting we didn’t ask for. I do not need half-eaten rats and pitying wretches to bloat my roster.”
The conversation continued, each word exchanged like barbs in a battle that neither side expected to win. Eldrin, however, found an unlikely partner in despair. They debated philosophy, the merits of failure, and quite frankly, the attractiveness of the valley’s taverns, which were far more lively than Eldrin’s moribund venture.
Eventually, the Specter leaned in with a conspiratorial air. “You know, you might just have what it takes. A certain… flair for the absurd.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Eldrin replied, his curiosity piqued. “What do you suggest?”
“It’s simple, really. Let’s create chaos in the most exquisite way possible! Gather your pitiful creations, hold a contest! Show the world how magnificent your failures can truly be.”
Eldrin’s eyes lit up with a spark of misguided hope. “A contest? No one would dare challenge a necromancer such as myself!”
“Oh, they’ll dare, alright. And when they do, we’ll show them your bovine failure and all of your pitiful attempts. You’ll be a legend in your own right, an obscurity of epic proportions!”
And so, Eldrin and the Specter, bound by a mutual disdain of the living world, concocted a plan that would send shockwaves through the valley. They spread the word far and wide, inviting the bravest—if not the dumbest—warriors to test their mettle against the armies of the undead, knowing full well that this would only lead to disaster.
As the fateful day drew near, Eldrin prepared his rancid army, which now included the aforementioned cow and an assortment of undead who had taken a liking to his unique brand of insanity. The valley thrummed with anticipation, a swirling nexus of dread and awkward curiosity as Eldrin stood on a rickety platform, calling forth the champions destined to meet their doom.
In that moment, Eldrin realized that not only would he be remembered for his failures but celebrated for the sheer absurdity of the spectacle. Could it be that it was truly the journey and not the destination that mattered? Thus, as the sun dipped below the horizon, he chuckled darkly to himself. It appeared he was finally winning at losing.
The contest commenced, a swirling mosh pit of absurdity, chaos, and the thin veil of desperation mingling with the grave odor of decay. Eldrin roared like a lion still figuring out how to purr, while the hapless contestants—some armed with swords as grand as their egos, others merely flaunting the sheer audacity of their presence—faced off against an army of the inept and unkempt zombies who stumbled forward with all the grace of a drunken toddler.
Within hours, the valley became an epicenter of unimaginable failure. The villagers laughed and jeered, the Specter rolled in the air, clutching its non-existent sides, and Eldrin, for once in his miserable existence, felt a flicker of camaraderie in the cacophony of chaos.
Perhaps greatness was not meant to be a polished stone; perhaps it thrived within the cracks of desperation and the awkwardness of failure. In the end, as Eldrin watched his haphazard army flounder against the brave but foolish, he reveled in the fact that even a necromancer could find a place—a place, perhaps, in the very absurdity of life itself.
And thus, as the night wore on, he would continue to shuffle along this path paved with bone and laughter, forever embodying the chaotic spirit of an age that had forgotten what it meant to truly fear the dead. Because if there was one thing Eldrin was learning, it was that even failure could be transformed into something wonderfully, curiously alive.
Author: Opney. Illustrator: Stab. Publisher: Cyber.
